Diary moment – A Little Tale Called First Love, Experience is the best teacher – It’s not as bad as you think

first-love-logofinal21

Very long title to go with an atypically long REPOST. Yes, the following is from the SheLovesHer archives, like September 2009. As I was trying to figure out what to write – I began to look back.  We have come pretty far on this journey and you all are gracious enough to read my rants, philosophies, and dogma hopefully deriving some usefulness from it.  THANK YOU!

I decided this was right to re-post and most of you probably have never seen it because it was so long ago. Anyway, I hope you enjoy the journey down my ‘FIRST’ love lane. Slightly edited, because I didn’t believe in editing back then, I was a purist or lazy.

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To have a blog entitled shelovesher, I should probably tell you a little about my first love. I’m lying I’m going to tell you approximately 734 characters about this woman.

let’s just say, I thought my clock set to her very existence. That is damn dramatic, I know, but that is first love.

before this woman, my self-actualization, the rainbow wallet and other key factors for coming out like joining the HRC. I thought I had what you would call a curiously strong fascination for woman, not that I was a lesbian or any rational thing like that.

it was during undergrad, why is college always the place we decide to figure these things out?

it’s the best and worse setting. a competitively driven environment and the intense desire to define the person you are in the four to  six years that you are there.

this girl was beautiful, sexy and cool..i used to really be into cool girls or maybe i was just destined to become one *wink*wink* just kidding of course.

she wore motorcycle boots, a leather jacket (yeah she really did) had a short do, and the consummate ‘don’t give a fu#k’ attitude. it was really empowering and HOT being with her! she made me grow up quick, because she was six years older, had a lot of rules, while fascinated by my innocence, she didn’t want to take it:: and this is where it get’s real.

she wanted me to have another woman before she would ‘be’ with me..yes WTF. I was 19. nuff said.

the things you do for first loves.

we broke-up shortly after that conversation (she had commitment issues..of course) and I proceeded to fumble my way through a first experience with another curious friend of mine. it’s always a straight girl isn’t it?!

it was a pretty good experience, considering I had nothing to compare it to. very late bloomer, I was.

but my friend was not trying to come out or anything like that, so we tucked that little secret away and she went on with her straight life ultimately mission de-flowering accomplished.

once i hooked-up back up with my Latina lady and told her the news she was shocked, hurt even. this was strange because it was what she said she wanted. so we proceeded to enter in our dysfunctional sh#t and it ended in complete disaster.

a. she was a cheater

b. she was non-committal

c. my innocent, no experienced younger self was not equipped to handle any of her conditional emotional drama

d. i thought i would die without her. ladies/gentlemen if you think this..muster all your strength-up and dump her/him immediately. you are co-dependent not in love.

so after a 6 or 8 month painful, and intense drama..i finally got my head out my butt and left. well i literally moved out while she was at the grocery store…shady I know.

i had some communication issues back then..well i am still working on them.

now this is the worse part it took about two years for me to recover.  i have no idea why, i loved this girl so intensely. what can I say, the first always breaks you down.

the lesson from this tale, everything ends especially the pain and what you learn from it helps define you. YOU choose how it will define you.

I WILL WRITE THIS AGAIN FOR SPECIAL EFFECT:

YOU CHOOSE HOW IT WILL DEFINE YOU.

What I learned:

Keeping things in doesn’t help.

Don’t do anything you don’t want to do.

Know when to fold-em.

If you can’t take what’s going on, then it’s time to go.

Only you can decide when enough is enough for you.

That’s it!

SLH

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2 responses to “Diary moment – A Little Tale Called First Love, Experience is the best teacher – It’s not as bad as you think

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