Train journal Monday #5

LIVING IN MY MIND, REGRET and DOUBT.

—In my mind I’m the hero –  FOR ME. 

I’m not saving the world, I’m saving my own life. I am breaking my own rules and destroying standards.

—In my mind.

Being a single child to a single parent, I’ve lived and defined my life through a solitary existence.

Do you have a choice if you grow up alone and in a small family? I LEARNED at a young age to entertain myself, and to not need or want people.

Most people hear ‘only’ child and they say : selfish, self-centered, spoiled.

Those are the people with a lot of siblings or an unexpected sibling that stole their ‘only’ child status : )

I’m really beginning to look at my solitary ways. Most of my close friends have referred to me as a hermit on more than one occasion.

And I do have friends, because that is also a misconception about people ‘in their head’, or natural loners.

I’m sure being my friend is not always easy. The whole ‘not wanting’ to be around to many people and I especially hate group activities.

Some of my loneliest moments are in groups.

I’m always in my head, designing three to four moments in advance of the real happenings.

Suspended from the present.

Friend – Where do you go?

Me – I don’t know?

That was a lie.

I’m private, most solitary people are. I have no idea, what I’m protecting.

Were you in the government or something?

That is a real question that I’ve been asked more than once, by people who know me very well.

Was I?…am I now in the Matrix.

Nope, I’m just private and I never volunteer/share information, unless important – like now.

REGRET – I think we all know too much about it.  It blocks you from seeing the truth of your moments. I’ve been regretful for more than two years over ‘situations’. Once I let it go, I could see again.

DOUBT – Too much of that. It stops me, It locks me in the start position. It has stolen what I’ve worked for and deserve. Doubt is the Robin Hood of failure stealing your dreams.

Reminding you of the mistakes you’ve made, the mistakes you never made due to inaction.

Big abuser of this.

But I’m still pushing through the Doubt, working through the Fear and trying to let a few more people in my head world…trying.

SPB

Note: Train journals is literally that, my morning thoughts before I start my day. The post maybe grammatically incorrect, and literally not make any sense but it’s a free-writing zone and the only time I don’t edit myself on this blog. The posts are to be taken… however it feels for you.  If you happen to derive some useful information, rock on!. 

This song is giving me life TODAY!

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2 responses to “Train journal Monday #5

  1. So heartfelt and personal. Wow, I just wanna give you a hug. And let you know that only siblings aren’t the only ones to feel that. FYI!

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