before i talk about the last i should tell you a little about the first. let’s just say, i thought my clock set to her very existence. that is damn dramatic, i know but that is first love. so before this woman, I thought i had what you would call a curiously strong fascination for woman, not that i was a lesbian or any rational thing like that.
it was during undergrad, why is it college is the place we always figure these things out, the best and worse setting. you will not find another setting on earth competitively driven and motivated besides a college campus. also where you think you have to define the person you are in the four years, six for me that you are there.
this girl was beautiful, sexy and cool..i used to be into really cool girls or maybe i was just destined to become one *wink*wink* just kidding of course.
so she wore motorcycle boots, had a short do, and didn’t give a fuck about what anyone thought. it was really empowering and hot being with her. she made me grow up quick, because she was six years older, had a lot of rules, while fascinated by my innocence, she didn’t want to take it. so i had to go out and lose my virginity to another woman before she would sleep with me.
the things you do for first loves. so we broke-up (she had committment issues..of course), and i proceeded to fumble my way through a first experience with another curious friend of mine..that was pretty good by the way. but my friend was not trying to come out or a lesbian, so we tucked that little secret away and she went on with her straight life..mission accomplished.
once i hooked-up with my latina lady and told her the news she was shocked, hurt even. this was strange because it was what she said she wanted. so we proceeded to enter in our dysfunctional shit and it ended in complete disaster.
a. she was a cheater
b. she was non-committal
c. my innocent, no experienced ass could not emotionally handle her drama
d. i thought i would die without her: ladies if you think this..muster all your strength and dump her immediately. you are co-dependent not in love.
so after a 6 or 8 month painful, and intense drama..i finally got my head out my ass and left. well i literally moved out while she was at the grocery store. i had some communication issues back then..well i am still working on them.
now this is the worse part it took about two years for me to recover from this, i have no idea why..i loved this girl so intensely..the first always breaks you down.
the lesson from this tale, everything ends..especially the pain and what you learn from it helps define you. YOU chose how it will define you. I WILL SAY THIS AGAIN FOR SPECIAL EFFECT: YOU CHOSE HOW IT WILL DEFINE YOU.
what i learned, keeping things in doesn’t help, don’t do anything you don’t want to, and know when to fold-em. if you can’t take what’s going on, then it’s time to go and only you can decide when enough is for you.